Stunned. Yup I think that’s a pretty good word to sum up that past 48 hours.
Psalm 32:5 puts it this way:
I acknowledged my sin to You,
and my iniquity I did not hide.
I said, I will confess my transgressions to the Lord
[continually unfolding the past till all is told]—
then You [instantly] forgave me the guilt and iniquity of my sin.
Before I go any further I want to share my simple definitions of two “religious” words.
- Sin – anything – thought, word or action – that separates us from God
- Iniquity – any belief about God that does not line up with Who He truly is
Back to the last 48 hours. I was on my acupuncturist’s table due to another round of persistent Fibromyalgia migraines. He tells me “Make a clenched fist.” Ok. Done. “Now hold it as tight as you can for at least 30 minutes.” My response was not words but a look of “Are you nuts?” He continued … “No, you really don’t have to do that, but can you see how sore and tired your hand and wrist would be if you did? It would probably feel that way for a couple of days. I am seeing this ‘clenched’ place at your core that has been that way for a very long time.”
Now to someone who has been on a journey of inner healing for the past 16 years, this is definitely NOT what you want to hear. I experienced this over-whelming feeling of failure as I tried to take in “I’m my own problem …. again”.
Then something amazing began to happen. In this completely exposed place — no masks, no pretense, just the raw me — Holy Spirit went to work in a heart beat. I feel somewhat like an Apple product with constant upgrades to my operating system 🙂 . If I’m counting correctly I believe this is upgrade 3.0 on space creation. All this revelation began pouring in. I think the best way I can recount it to you is the way I entered it in my journal … bullet points.
- This tightly clenched space at my core that my acupuncturist is seeing is also the place You want to create space for rest, isn’t it Jesus? Space for me to relax and let go. How can I receive what You have for me when clenched? It is impossible, just like a clenched hand cannot receive.When I got home I went for a walk to ponder where this all started.
Just like the setting sun was shining through the trees, revelation came that this clenched place in me has been that way since I was in the womb, bracing myself for what lay ahead because I was not wanted. No wonder I am so tired.
[Aside: I was a “surprise” to my Mom and Dad late in life and my Mom was quite open with me telling me stories of how she didn’t want me, but after I got here she fell in love with me. I know she never had any idea how much it hurt me to be told over and over I was not wanted because from her perspective it all worked out OK.]
- Enter the ungodly belief (sin) that I have to stay braced/clenched in order to keep myself safe and be prepared for what is next. That was the “answer” I came up with to “be enough” to keep me safe. That answer is not working out for me so well.
The unfolding continued as I saw that the pain I’ve been experiencing in my neck and shoulders is because I’ve literally been carrying “the weight of the world” on my shoulders for quite a while. At least that is how it has felt trying to come up with answers both for myself about my health and for others as they encounter huge needs and feeling totally not enough to do that. My head knew I am not responsible, but my heart has been afraid I’m failing. Gee does that sound like the enemy’s torment? Telling me I don’t have what it takes; I’m not enough but somehow I still need to make it happen. Do you know what the kicker is? There is actually truth contained within that torment.
What’s the problem? The ungodly belief/sin twisted around the truth that I’m not enough was a “fault” or “short coming”.
Enter the gift of serenity. God will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him (Isaiah 26:3). Hallelujah!
Yes, it will never change that “I’m not enough” … the good news is, that is NOT a problem. It is actually quite freeing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! I saw a space appear between the weight of the world and my shoulders. You, Jesus, slipped into that space to take that weight upon Your shoulders.
No coincidence that the scripture I read yesterday morning was Psalm 37:7 Focus on the Lord, be in awe of who He is, lean into the reality of who He is waiting with the expectation of His arrival to set things right by His presence, all that He is and what that provides – provision in ways that are beyond my imagination or comprehension.
Back to where we started – all this unfolding of my past with revelation of ungodly beliefs that separated me from God and distorted my view of Him – as quickly as I became aware of them, acknowledged them and exchanged them for the truth Holy Spirit provided to replace those lies – I was instantly forgiven and set free. My Heavenly Father has known all along what has been in my heart. He wanted me to know so I could be set free from it and made able to receive all He has for me! He wants the same for you!
Sound good? It is, but there was more to unfold. I am still in the midst of that process. I’ll share it with you soon, just not tonight because it’s getting late.
My prayer for you is you will embrace the unfolding of your past with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to create the space for rest in your spirit, soul and body.