It is common practice here in the U.S. when you visit a physician that you are asked when they take your history “Is anyone being mean to you or hurting you?”. I have always answered that question with what I thought was an honest answer “No.”
I discovered I’ve been lying. There is someone who has been being very mean to me … that would be me.
The past couple of weeks I find myself in the midst of a new health challenge. My point is not the challenge I’m facing, but rather how I am responding to it. Anger. A red-hot anger directed at my body for letting me down, once again.
I’m choosing to be vulnerably authentic with you, with the desire that my authenticity will provide an avenue to hope for you.
I’ve seen that I use much of the wonderful revelation and wisdom Abba pours into my life to correct myself with very little, if any, compassion. I have been single-focused on correction and missing the beautiful gift of greater connection with Him.
Out of His amazing loving-kindness I heard my Heavenly Father ask me “What if you let me carry you through this, rather than anger carrying you through it?” Say what?
I was totally caught off-guard as His question revealed how quickly I had turned to anger to be my supply/source to empower me to push through and to move on. It felt sooooooooooo normal to chastise and be angry with my body, myself. Anger fueled by believing I’m not being, knowing or doing enough of something or this wouldn’t be happening. My response to that anger is always to push myself harder.
From that place of being disarmed and unguarded by His question, I flashed on the memory of hang-gliding and heard Him tell me: “That’s what it would be like if you let Me carry you. You wouldn’t have to know what to do next or how to do it. We would be flying tandem with Me providing everything you need to be safe.”
I was stunned, There it was again. Connection with HIM. It consumes what He wants for both me and for Himself.
The peace of safety flooded my being. I became a complete “puddle of tears”. I was finally safe enough that I could see past my anger to what it had been hiding from me. FEAR. Lots and lots of fear of not being enough because of my physical limitations that went further back than I can remember. So frightened, I’ve tried to be double-extra-everything to everyone so maybe they won’t notice and will keep me around. Basically living in survival mode without even realizing it. Told you I’d been being mean to myself!
My choice is to accept the exchange being offered to me by my Heavenly Father. I surrender to Him my having to hold back fear via my own soul’s power fueled by anger. Receiving in exchange hang-gliding tandem with the Creator of All carried and lifted by the wing-span of His love over me which harnesses the power of Holy Spirit causing us to soar to heights unknown to me but well known by Him.
Hope Without Limits 
Thank you for your honesty. I have looked at what I could do five years ago vs. today and it makes me mad, especially when I see people older than me doing, it seems, everything. I have always been a “take charge person” and it’s HARD to depend on someone else be it another person or God. I may not always comment, but enjoy your posts.
Thank you for sharing your journey friend, love you!!
As Columbo always said “one more thing”. I had children “later” than most. I have been beating myself up (over a million things) over the fact that I was caring for three children when I was great physically and could have been out doing anything and everything instead of a lowly mother and housewife. Then I remember – this was the happiest time of my life and if it had happened when I was really young I would have hated being home and now I probably could barely do it at all so it was all timed right.