Blue Pill – A pain pill, a muscle relaxer, some sort of “numbing” is the only hope for relief, for help.
Red Pill – Jesus and receiving what He has for me is my hope for relief and freedom from pain in whatever form it is presenting itself . But to use the analogy from The Matrix …
The past 3 months have definitely been a journey down the rabbit hole. God’s timing is amazing to me. At exactly the time my Heavenly Father was introducing me to new “hope weapons and skill sets”** … life was affording me the opportunity to use those very tools.
The choice to stay present, engaged and grow or to numb out was mine. I chose the red pill. It has taken all my energy and focus to make this journey. Including the energy I use to write this blog. But, I’m b-a-a-a-a-c-k 😄 .
On this journey I discovered a part of my heart that God created as a shield, literally a shield. I’ve put that shield up many, many times not to feel emotions that seemed so overwhelming they would prevent me from being able to fulfill my duties and obligations.
That shield is a very necessary thing to have. God knows that. It is why He created it. The problem is I have an enemy who is seeking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8) . At a very young age I experienced a traumatic rejection. My enemy used that experience to mislead this shield part of my heart with the lie it was all alone to do its job. My enemy manipulated that part of my heart by feeding it an expectation to see disapproval in the eyes of those around me. The product of that lie and manipulation was a job description that protection meant shielding me from connecting with others in order to keep the pain of rejection away. However, on this side of the “red pill” it is now clear how that job description created a constant state of perceiving rejection – real or not.
Would you like to know what the truth is?
God actually created that shield part of my heart to hold His faithfulness. (Psalm 91:4)
It was never my Heavenly Father’s intention for that shield to be supplied and powered by my own soul’s resources, but rather according to His riches in glory (Philippians 4:19); and, by the waters of life flowing from His very throne (Revelation 22:1) .
It’s really, REALLY, different when that shield is empowered by Him.
Yet this shield is not the only part of my heart I have discovered on my recent journey.
There is a part of my heart that is ALL about getting things done … pushing, pushing, and pushing some more. This part has surfaced multiple times in this blog and those with whom I interact regularly probably know it better than they would like to know it 😉 . The lie the enemy had sold to that part of my heart was if I did anything but push myself, I would not keep going at all. The truth is that part of my heart was created to receive revelation and have that revelation power what I should do; what I shouldn’t do; with whom I should connect; and, with whom I should not connect.
There is a part of my heart that was always scanning everyone around me. Always checking to see if those around me were OK, so that I could determine if I was OK. I had to take care of their pain first so that I could feel OK about myself. That devotion to looking to others to define my own state of being was actually meant to be turned toward God and to get my cues from Him rather than those around as to who I am and if I’m OK.
There is a part of my heart that tried to protect me by keeping all of my own pain inside in order to make it possible for me to scan everyone around me and make sure they were OK. That part was actually created to protect me by receiving and holding wisdom rather than holding pain.
Back to my original question red pill, blue pill? For me …the red pill … the journey of discovery down the rabbit hole that, thus far, has held faithfulness, revelation, wisdom, guidance, love. The choice was mine. What’s your choice?