Chinese water torture. That’s what my family doctor called it. Living with continual chronic pain. Sometimes, I feel guilty about how overwhelming it feels when I look at people who are dealing with the super acute pain of cancer or major surgeries. It feels like I’m a wimp.
But chronic pain, be it physical or emotional, a broken body or a broken heart, wears you down in a way that is hard to describe to someone that has not experienced it. You know that sound of water draining out of the tub after a bath; that sucking sound of the water actually being pulled out of the tub as it drains? That’s how it feels physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
Crazy questions like why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t I beat this? What am I doing wrong to cause this? When I look in the mirror what I see does not “match” what is going on inside … like a duck on the water above the surface all calm, below the surface frantic paddling to stay afloat and make it through the day.
I’m not going for a pity party here. Rather, I’m guessing there are a lot of people in this world dealing with chronic something and it is wearing them down. I’m just saying “I get it”.
That’s where I was last Thursday. My body felt it was on electrical overload as the myofascia misfires felt like a mushroom cloud inside me. I was on the table at my acupuncturist receiving treatment. One side of my body felt liked cooked spaghetti and the other side felt like a steel rod. It felt like my body was frantic to hold on to something and could not let go, but I did not know what. So I asked my body what are you holding on to so tightly? The answer I got was very unexpected – Hope.
Hmmmm now that would seem to be a good thing don’t you think – to hold on to hope? So my next question was to God – what do I need to know Lord? What happened next wasn’t an answer as in words – it was an answer as in experience.
I sensed “let go”. That felt somewhat familiar like when God had told me to let go of holding on for dear life; but it still felt dangerous/scary to let go of hope and I heard my body reply “if I let go, I may never get it back” … yup that would definitely be a reason for my body to be so intensely holding on and so tensed over doing so. What happened next is a little hard to describe but I became aware of a huge beating heart right next to me. As it beat my heart came into rhythm with it; they were synced; and as they were synced every time the huge heart beat it pumped hope into my heart; pump after pump after pump; release, peace, healing. My response was something profound like — Wow Father this is so cool! This is what our heart-to-heart connection means; this is why/how/my source to write hope4theheart; this is sozo – a greek word meaning – saved from sin; healed of all disease; delivered from everything that should not be in my soul and spirit = whole. Hallelujah!!
I started to check out my body and the knots in my jaw were gone; the knots at the top of my neck were gone; my shoulder felt a lot looser; and with every beat of God’s heart/my heart the throbbing in my right leg eased a little more and a little more until it was gone. Oh what rest – nothing that I had to do to maintain it; create it! When I tried to explain it to my acupuncturist he used the word “infused”. Good word. Infused with my Heavenly Father, Jeshua and Holy Spirit; infused with hope; infused with life; infused with peace; release, relaxation.
The next morning I was walking and the song “Holy Spirit” was playing on my iPhone. A line in the song “hit me” like it never had “Our living hope”. That’s what I had experienced the night before – living hope pumping from God’s heart to mine.
Since that experience it’s amazing how I hear the beat of My Heavenly Father’s heart whenever I hear music of any kind. When the pain starts to return, I stop whatever I am doing, be still and just listen; I listen for the beat of my Heavenly Father’s heart … there it is, His huge heart always next to me … and my heart syncs to it and with each beat hope, unconditional hope, is infused into me.
If He can do it for me … He can do it for you!