Chinese water torture. That’s what my family doctor called it. Living with continual chronic pain. Sometimes, I feel guilty about how overwhelming it feels when I look at people who are dealing with the super acute pain of cancer or major surgeries. It feels like I’m a wimp.
But chronic pain, be it physical or emotional, a broken body or a broken heart, wears you down in a way that is hard to describe to someone that has not experienced it. You know that sound of water draining out of the tub after a bath; that sucking sound of the water actually being pulled out of the tub as it drains? That’s how it feels physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
Crazy questions like why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t I beat this? What am I doing wrong to cause this? When I look in the mirror what I see does not “match” what is going on inside … like a duck on the water above the surface all calm, below the surface frantic paddling to stay afloat and make it through the day.
I’m not going for a pity party here. Rather, I’m guessing there are a lot of people in this world dealing with chronic something and it is wearing them down. I’m just saying “I get it”.
That’s where I was last Thursday. My body felt it was on electrical overload as the myofascia misfires felt like a mushroom cloud inside me. I was on the table at my acupuncturist receiving treatment. One side of my body felt liked cooked spaghetti and the other side felt like a steel rod. It felt like my body was frantic to hold on to something and could not let go, but I did not know what. So I asked my body what are you holding on to so tightly? The answer I got was very unexpected – Hope.
Hmmmm now that would seem to be a good thing don’t you think – to hold on to hope? So my next question was to God – what do I need to know Lord? What happened next wasn’t an answer as in words – it was an answer as in experience.
I sensed “let go”. That felt somewhat familiar like when God had told me to let go of holding on for dear life; but it still felt dangerous/scary to let go of hope and I heard my body reply “if I let go, I may never get it back” … yup that would definitely be a reason for my body to be so intensely holding on and so tensed over doing so. What happened next is a little hard to describe but I became aware of a huge beating heart right next to me. As it beat my heart came into rhythm with it; they were synced; and as they were synced every time the huge heart beat it pumped hope into my heart; pump after pump after pump; release, peace, healing. My response was something profound like — Wow Father this is so cool! This is what our heart-to-heart connection means; this is why/how/my source to write hope4theheart; this is sozo – a greek word meaning – saved from sin; healed of all disease; delivered from everything that should not be in my soul and spirit = whole. Hallelujah!!
I started to check out my body and the knots in my jaw were gone; the knots at the top of my neck were gone; my shoulder felt a lot looser; and with every beat of God’s heart/my heart the throbbing in my right leg eased a little more and a little more until it was gone. Oh what rest – nothing that I had to do to maintain it; create it! When I tried to explain it to my acupuncturist he used the word “infused”. Good word. Infused with my Heavenly Father, Jeshua and Holy Spirit; infused with hope; infused with life; infused with peace; release, relaxation.
The next morning I was walking and the song “Holy Spirit” was playing on my iPhone. A line in the song “hit me” like it never had “Our living hope”. That’s what I had experienced the night before – living hope pumping from God’s heart to mine.
Since that experience it’s amazing how I hear the beat of My Heavenly Father’s heart whenever I hear music of any kind. When the pain starts to return, I stop whatever I am doing, be still and just listen; I listen for the beat of my Heavenly Father’s heart … there it is, His huge heart always next to me … and my heart syncs to it and with each beat hope, unconditional hope, is infused into me.
If He can do it for me … He can do it for you!
Hope Without Limits 
Thanks you Aunt Diane for the reminder needed today and everyday to be “infused” :0)
Thanks for reading Carianne. Love you!
I am so glad to have found you, i suffer from FMS as well, for as long as i can remeber ive had pain, it just seems to get worse. i recently(2 days ago,lol) decided to try and change my thought,diet and try acupuncture,(which i totally cant afford), but i been saving for a car and will dip into that. IS IT REALLY THAT HELPFUL? SHOULD I BITE THE BULLET AND GO FOR IT? I also just want to thank you for your possitive thoughts on all this. and it feels good to know i am not alone. im new here and am learning alot. GOD BLESS YOU i will be back to visit. PEACE
Hi Brokeninpeaces and welcome to Hope4theheart!
Yes acupuncture has helped me that much. I started treatments in June 2011. At that time I had had a migraine for 12 weeks (no that is not a typo) and I was pretty desperate, as you can imagine. My husband was praying for me and I kept hearing the word “acupuncture”. A couple hours later my best friend called to check on me and I told her “I think I am supposed to see an acupuncturist.” She gasped and said “I was just went with another woman from church to see an acupuncturist because she didn’t want to go alone – he was great!”. She got me his contact information and within 72 hours I was at my first acupuncture appointment and the migraine lifted while I was on his table. Here is a website to help you locate an acupuncturist in your area
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I would also encourage you to find someone to help you with your diet; it made a huge positive impact for me as I mentioned in my post “My thorn”.
I’m writing this blog because it’s my heart’s desire for it to be a place where people can be real with themselves, real with God and find unconditional hope no matter what circumstances they are encountering. God has done and is doing that for me, I know He can do it for you!
Thank you for reading and for following my blog! I hope you will share it with anyone you know that is looking for hope.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me,and in such a descriptive manner. i will DEFINITELY call the acupuncturist and make an appt. i did speak with a local one 2 days ago and have been fighting back and forth with the what if’s. I have had such fibro fog lately and find it hard to just make a call. and that call could be just to my understanding mom. I’m sure you understand exactly where i am coming from for i am sure you too have been through the same. I am so happy for you and envy what you have done for yourself, i feel like such a failure in everything. at the point where i dont know why anyone would want to be my friend, since i often dont answer calls or have to cancel plans.I thank you again for positiveness, and for sharing, my intention is to try hard, i so want to feel better and live life a little. depression is also a big factor. and i need to learn to let go of the past. I feel in my heart you will be helpful in my world. so your reason for this site is a great one. And I feel blessed to have found it and you. I’m sure I wont be the only one who feels this way. weird but i feel a certain connection to you, although i haven’t a clue who you are. i wouldn’t normally take this much time or say so much to a complete stranger,(NOT TO MENTION THE WORSE TYPER EVER, LOL) but idk maybe its God telling me I am safe with you, AND ITS OK TO CONFIDE YOU. I do hope thats ok? I sound so corny, see this is why i dont talk, at least here i can fix my words somewhat. lol. I apologize. I’m might be strange in my own way, but I am not weird.actually I must say I am pretty damn nice:) haha GOD BLESS YOU AND THANK YOU AGAIN. look forward to chatting again. PEACE
I’m so glad you feel safe here. That’s exactly what I mean about being real with God and real with yourself. You might find “Building Blocks” and “Litmus Test” helpful tools for letting go of the past. May I suggest that as a starting point you be as nice to yourself as you would be to someone else going through such a painful experience rather than being so hard on yourself? Praying for healing and restoration for you (Isaiah 42:22).
your words hold true, if i could only be as nice to myself as i would others in pain and those who confide in and trust my judgement. although easier said than done it is an eye opener. your 100% right. why not practice what i preach right?. probably cause i feel less worthy, but i am willing and READY to change all that:) thanks to those ones who truly love me, i am able to except that i am loved.and people do care, which includes my new found friend HOPE4THEHEART:)I am hoping for a good rest tonight so tomorrow can and will be the first day of the improved me:) GOD BLESS AND SLEEP WELL PEACE XO