Do you? Do you love the one you are with the most … which, by the way, is yourself.
This journey of connection replacing “doing it right” as my plum line has taken a turn that caught me totally off guard … connecting with myself.
Maybe the fact that it was uncomfortably hard for me to give myself the birthday present of a ” week stay-cation” with no other agenda than rest, reflection and connecting with friends for delicious conversations uninterrupted by what must be done next should have alerted me my Heavenly Father was setting me up 😉 . What a week it has been!
I have traveled further this week of stay-cation than any other vacation where I left our home.
My starting point was discovering the anchor point of anger buried so deep within me my acupuncturist brought it to my attention as “anger you have carried for so long you don’t even know you are carrying it”. Gee, what a great place to start my stay-cation.
Yet on the second evening I found myself home alone on my couch due to FMS rebound pain from a massage magnified by concurrent large weather front changes. As I laid there with a volcano of anger welling up inside me, I had to grudgingly admit … I probably need to look at what he’d said. 😉
This is the cliff notes version, but after a lengthy wrestling match with Father God that evening trying to blame my anger on anything or one (including God) that would make me “the victim” and justify my anger, I finally saw it. I was white-hot angry with me. The revelation came as I was journaling and these words poured out on the page “why was I not enough for Mom to love me in the womb” (See post Unfolding The Past). Talk about anger that I’ve carried for a long time! It’s taken me 2.5 years since writing that post to be safe enough to really own my own anger rather than blame. Surprisingly, taking ownership rather than weakening me, empowered me to do something about it.
I tell you how long it’s taken to encourage you rather than discourage you. Remember I said this week was a “set-up”? That’s because I now am able to see where what I thought were unrelated areas of my life have been totally orchestrated by my Heavenly Father to create a symphony of healing with all the different sections, tempos, and moods coming together into one beautiful creative work. Seriously. He has used Chinese medicine, qigong, discovering and studying empowering the partnership between men and women by Alison Armstrong, Heart Sync, and various teaching I’ve heard at my church all mixed together during the time I’ve spent alone with Him listening and journaling to bring me to this revelatory experience this week.
- I’ve seen the the incredible courage with which my parents lived in spite of the fears they carried deep within. I’ve applied the blood of Jesus to be the filter that both cuts off the ungodly inheritance of fear that was never intended for them or me, as well as, allows the godly inheritance of courage to flow through to me and my family
Somewhere in the midst of soaking in His presence I suddenly saw “I am worth it … worth His love. JESUS SEES ME AS WORTH HIS LOVE!!” That is the truth to shatter the lie that Jesus wants me (or anyone) to always feel not enough and unworthy. I am, we are, part of the beauty that was set before Jesus when He chose to endure the cross. Jesus looked at: the outcome, impact, upside, the difference made/provided, the problem solved, everything it would require of Him and His choice was YES, worth it. NOT because of anything I’ve done or not done (i.e. entitlement), but because of how He sees me, you and being able to spend eternity with us. To focus on our unworthiness makes us incapable at heart level of receiving the incredible gift of His love. It’s like an automatic reject button that causes His love to bounce off rather than permeate us. What a waste of an incredible gift!
I am beginning to use and exercise my “receiving muscles” to receive the gifts of what others and Jesus see in me. It made me laugh when I first saw it, so feel free to join me, but I look like my parents Abba and Holy Spirit … not because of anything I’ve done but because of the DNA of my parents. I look different from my brothers and sisters, but then all children do … even identical twins look different when you see past the external into who they really are.
Are you curious as to the culmination of all this set-up? He provided a week full of people celebrating me for my birthday to give me the opportunity to choose what I would do with these gifts.
I made the choice to receive. And, because I’m new at this — I’ve journaled what I’ve been told, scanned notes I’ve received and will go back and review them to continue to receive from these gifts.
The point is God is bigger than anything you are afraid to look at in your life. He wants you to look because He wants you to see who you really are and not what the enemy has manipulated you into believing you are: not enough, unworthy, whatever form your self-hatred manifests . He wants you to know how worth it you are to Him so you can love the one you’re with!