My husband has an expression “too heavenly minded to be any earthly good”.
That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m not talking about stuffing your heart away so that you don’t feel loss, grief, pain, disappointment or whatever lack has occurred in your life; then when your heart tries to surface for air you smack it down again with your will beating-up your heart with something like “you’re wrong/bad for feeling that way”; “if you were a good christian you wouldn’t feel this way”.
No, I’m talking about experiencing real pain without shame attached to it and experiencing real provision in the midst of the pain.
Last week I was looking back in my journal from last year. I read the journal entry that marked the six-month anniversary of my Mom’s transition to heaven. What jumped out at me and what has been rolling around in my thoughts this week is “pain and provision, they can co-exist“. As I learned of the shooting that occurred in Aurora, CO this week, the volume cranked up on “pain and provision can co-exist“.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing losing my Mom to the trauma that was inflicted on so many innocent lives in Colorado. What I am saying is pain is pain … no matter what the cause … what the form (emotional, physical, spiritual, financial) … when it is your pain, you want answers; you want it to go away; you want it to stop eating away at you. You want and need provision.
Here is what pain and provision looked like for me:
July 4, 2011
You always know what I need Father, so amazing. I’ve been more and more irritable the past few days. I haven’t wanted to journal. It’s been hard for me to take-in as real what I’ve been reading in “Have Heart”. There has been a place in me that has been almost cynical that they are reading into scripture what they need to see so that they can deal with their grief; but I’m not sure I can believe what they are saying is true. And it’s 6 months today since Mom’s transition.
First I want to thank my spirit for leading me to know I really needed to spend this time being still with You even if I had no idea what to say. I opened my journal and it opens automatically to the first page, which was right in the middle of Mom’s transition. Reading through was like reconnecting with You. I was so aware of You; Your presence; Your provision during that time; I’m not sure what has happened recently that has made it so much harder to believe Mom really is alive in a better place and not just gone.
What I just heard is
“the longer someone/something is gone; the more you want it back”.
Huh, there is definitely something stirring in me at that thought … like usually when time passes and you are waiting, it is with the hope of something being resolved. But, this has felt like the more time that passes; the farther away I am from Mom; the more real the separation feels/becomes.
I think of what You pointed out to me shortly after Mom’s transition and highlighted as I re-read my journal this morning. Turn aside and look and I will see You. That’s basically what “Have Heart” has been saying – turn aside and look and you will see God’s hand; His nods; His provision; His comfort and assurances; His truth. You have the answers for each person’s grief. One size does not fit all
Oh my, I’ve been stuck. I have not been able to reconcile the pain of my grief with the truth of Your Provision. The two in my mind have been exclusive.
How can pain and provision co-exist? If there is pain does that make the provision a “fabrication”; if there is provision does that make the pain either self-pity or a slap in Your face?
I’m aware of 2 things. I heard “in the midst” and I need to go search that at Bible Gateway. And I saw a picture of You, Jeshua first at Gethsemane and then on the cross … pain and provision definitely both existed at that point and the reconciliation / resolution was the resurrection! I just saw Jesus with Mary “why do you weep?” I am seeing Mary as I’ve never seen her before (because I’ve always focused on You) … Mary becoming aware of the reality of the truth that the one she loved and thought was lost to her, was very much alive.
Oh, Lord – that’s what I just haven’t really been able to be sure of as I have read “Have Heart” … that the one(s) I have loved are not lost to me, but very much alive. Forgive me for my doubts, Abba, Jeshua, Holy Spirit. I forgive myself. I thank You for giving me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to receive as one being taught by You! To be set free by Your/the truth! I take the authority You transmit to me Holy Spirit and tell the spirit of doubt that has been tormenting me with “how can you be sure” that the light, love and truth of God Most High, my Heavenly Father, has revealed you and you must go and deal with Jesus. And Father, just like Your arch angel Michael asked You, I ask You – that You, Most High God would rebuke whatsoever powers and principalities of darkness that have had access to me through this sin. I thank You for the complete work of the cross and I ask You to put it between me and all consequences of this sin.
I thank You for all the blessings of Mom’s and Dad’s time here with me/us on earth that I do miss, but more than that I thank You that neither of them are lost to me but fully alive in You.
Huh, I AM waiting for something with the hope of it being resolved!
NOT, time passing that separates me further and further
from those I love.
THANK YOU LORD!!
That’s why I’m here writing and sharing with you … because I know that I know that I know that I can be real with myself; real with God and find unconditional hope.
That’s my experience.
But I am not alone.
This link [ http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god/ ] will take you to a blog written by a woman that was in the Aurora, CO theatre during the shooting who knows that she knows that she knows that in the midst of pain there is provision.
Whatever your pain, there is provision for you too!